Have you noticed how, as a race, we appear to have developed an increased need to be liked? The evidence is all around us. A couple of examples:
- There’s that little ‘thumbs up’ sign on Facebook (don’t we just love it when someone clicks it to ‘like’ something we have shared!).
- Our culture has become more child centric than days gone by – being a ‘friend’ to our child seems to have usurped some of the old traditions of boundary setting and respect.
At Kaizen we work with many people who are progressing in their organisations to take on more senior management and leadership roles. The most common challenge facing these people? It’s the ‘buddy to boss’ dynamic that kicks in when, overnight, they’ve got to manage someone who was a peer yesterday. Stella English, who won the last series of The Apprentice on the BBC was filmed saying that she was not there to make friends. Whilst this was upfront acknowledgement of the competitive nature of the show, nevertheless there were times when Stella looked uncomfortable during spats with her fellow competitor, Liz.
As leaders it can be useful to consider whether a need to be liked contributes to, or detracts from, our success. Those of you who know me well will not be too surprised by my view on this. Quite simply, it depends on the outcome.
Collaboration and Harmony
Needing to be liked can sometimes contribute to a more collaborative way of working and a desire to create harmony – no bad thing in many instances. This year so far I’ve received a (pleasing) number of briefs for team development work. A common theme in these is the requirement for more collaborative working. I would contend that one doesn’t have to possess a high need to be liked in order to work collaboratively, but suggest that possession of this characteristic is likely to make one more disposed towards collaborative behaviour.
On the other hand an excessive desire to be liked can transmit as neediness, which is not a particularly attractive or influential characteristic. That desire can also impair our ability to make unpopular decisions, or mean that we ignore or accept disagreeable behaviour in others because we don’t want to rock the boat.
Make the Decision / Deal with the Behaviour
Let’s imagine that one of your team members, a former peer, is behaving disruptively in team meetings moaning about the volume of work. It’s affecting the morale of others. You need to find a way to deal with it, but it’s tricky because this person is a mate. How do you put the personal relationship to one side in order to deal with it?
Here are three steps you might take:
- Be clear about the outcome (for example, a team approach to problem solving). You may need to rationalise your approach based on this.
- State clearly and unemotionally to the person what you observe and the effect it’s having.
- Say what you expect from the person instead.
So, the words might be:
‘As you know, we are trying to develop a team approach to problem solving here. When you complain about the workload, I notice that it keeps us all stuck on the problem rather than the solution. I would like you to stop moaning and join us in a discussion about how we can make it better.’
When you keep it specific and unemotional, it removes the personal element. After all, Stella’s right in a way – we’re not at work to make friends. We’re at work to deliver results.
Call to action
Tell us what you think. Is a high need to be liked a weakness to be weeded out in business, or perhaps a positive trait that brings about more harmonious working?
Consider for yourself to what extent you possess this trait. How does it serve you? And how does it hold you back?
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