It has come to my attention that there’s a design fault in the way we humans are put together. You perhaps know that our brains are configured to maximize reward and to minimize danger, and that the latter has the higher pecking order when push comes to shove. In other words, our brains will always seek to alert us when we find ourselves in vulnerable situations and our response will be such that we act to protect ourselves. All sounds fine so far, doesn’t it?
The problem comes when we consider that we are also wired as human beings to seek love and connection with others. It’s what we’re on the planet for and what sets us apart from every other member of the animal kingdom. So the conflict is this – if we’re hard wired to protect ourselves from pain, how then can we be truly open in the way we connect with others?
I recently worked with a group to explore vulnerability
We each wrote down (anonymously) on post-it notes what makes us feel vulnerable. Here are a few of the many responses:
- Walking into a room full of people
- Being in a relationship
- Asking my 14 year-old son for a hug
- Financial insecurity
- Christmas
- My relationship with my parents
- Dealing with senior management
- Doing this exercise!
- Asking for help
It seems that all of us are able to identify something that makes us feel vulnerable, and the situations are many and varied.
Consider this…
Think back to the last time you experienced one or more of the scenarios below. How did you respond (or how do you think you might respond)?
- Someone you had a massive argument with comes to tell you in person how sorry they are.
- A telephone operative who took your order for a delivery, but subsequently messed it up, accepts personal responsibility and makes sure they put it right for you.
- Someone who you perceive to be a confident and accomplished presenter confides in you that they are unable to sleep the night before important meetings because they are so worried
- That special person you’ve been dating for a while now tells you they love you.
- Your independent teenager away travelling on their gap year telephones you to tell you how lonely they are.
At times it can be hard when we are in the wrong to let go of the need to be right and admit it, or simply accept that we’re not as infallible as we would like to think we are. There are times too when we are unable to say what is truly on our mind because we fear rejection or ridicule. Yet, what I discover when I talk to people about this topic is that our attitude towards others is almost guaranteed to change when they show vulnerability. We soften towards them, because they become more human to us. We feel closer to them and are able to connect at a deeper level. It works the other way round too – when we are able to truly and honestly reveal our own flaws and imperfections, we are far more likely to form deeper connections with others.
I doubt if any of this comes as a surprise to you, because I suspect it’s something we all know intellectually. The trouble is that the need to protect ourselves can be very strong at times, and so we put on the ‘mask’ we have created – that one that tells everyone we are on top of things and coping. And in doing do, we keep others, often those who are the most important to us, at arms’ length.
So, what can we do?
I don’t claim to have all the answers by any means, but here are some things I’m trying out and I share them only in case you want to give them a go too.
- Ask yourself the question in times of interactions with others, how true was I to myself in the contribution I made?
- Start to notice when others are showing vulnerability. How do you find yourself responding? How do you feel?
- Consider someone you would like to be closer to and ask yourself this: In what ways have I created a mask for myself, and how can I show this person how I really feel?
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Very interesting. Have you considered how showing this vulnerability would play out in an abusive relationship however? I lived with a bully for many years, and I know that showing any sign of weakness would have made life even harder. It took a lot of strength to remove myself from this and get myself in a place of safety.
Ella, thank you so much for sharing your experience. The very scenario you describe was on my mind when I was writing the blog … and I appreciate your raising it. I’m not sure I have a full answer for you, but please bear with me and I’ll share my thinking…
We all have the potential to find ourselves in situations, not of our own making, where it would feel detrimental to be vulnerable. What seems to be important is the conditions under which it serves us to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. When I talk about about ‘putting on a mask’ – being someone we’re not in order to protect ourselves from feeling fallible, rejected or ridiculed – my belief here is that the ‘mask’ is not part of our authentic self. In this sense, showing vulnerability is about having the courage to be authentic in the given context. Or, put another way it’s about revealing our authentic selves, even when we feel vulnerable.
In your context you speak of the strength you needed to deliver yourself to safety. I wonder, was that strength you found for yourself a ‘mask’, or was it an authentic part of who you really are? I suspect the answer to that might be key.
What do you think?